I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
