you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize