She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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