I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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