I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
