Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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