If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
