I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
