Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
i think my cat just said my name.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
