if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
