grandma shit on top of the toilet
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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