I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
