What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
