FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
