ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
