He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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