You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
