i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
