Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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