i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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