so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
