and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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