I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
