All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
