going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize