i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
