I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
