I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
