I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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