If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
