So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
