I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
