What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
