Your face is a jimmy john
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I wish there were birth control emojis
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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