I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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