I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
that is very illegal...i love you.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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