I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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