Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
