so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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