Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
