I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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