What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
