I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
