Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
