So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
