I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
