My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
