We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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