I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
