Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize