you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
