mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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