so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
