i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
