i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
