is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
