if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
