I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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